So recently I’ve been paying less attention to this blog, which is bumming me out because I really want it to be full of my feelings for you as they continue to develop, so that someday I can give you this URL and you can read from the very beginning of our relationship exactly how I’ve felt about you every step of the way, leading up to exactly how I feel about you when I give you access to it.
Baby, you are still perfect for me.
You finally told me you loved me for the first time a couple weeks ago.
I was surprised as well as full of joy.
I’ve loved you for a while but I wanted to wait for you to say it, not because I was scared, but because I knew I fell for you a lot quicker than you fell for me, and I wanted you to be able to take your time with your feelings for me, and not rush into them just because I convinced you to.
And you finally did, and you were perfect about it.
Baby you make me the happiest in the world.
I need to thank you for so many things.
But specifically I need to thank you for this:
I recently have been having some body issues. I haven’t felt good enough.
Then I received hate mail from a stupid girl who had nothing better to do in her life than trash me for no reason.
And that made me even more self conscious.
Then there were some other things that didn’t help, but no need to go into them.
The important thing I am getting at is that you knew something was wrong.
And instead of ignoring it and not wanting to talk about my feelings, you asked me.
And kept asking until I finally opened up about what it was.
And then you made me feel better.
You actually talked to me until I felt 100% better about the situation.
You told me and showed me that you loved me, that you truly loved me.
You made me feel special, you made me feel important, you made me feel beautiful and sexy, and you made me feel GOOD about myself.
This was so great, so wonderful of you, and I just felt totally loved in those moments.
So thank you, thank you for being kind, thank you for being compassionate, thank you for loving me, thank you for showing me I’m worthy of being loved, and thank you for being everything you are, because I am so much happier with you than I ever thought I would be in life.
I love you so much, baby.
More than you can even know.
So I’ve been spending a lot of time with you lately, and I could not possibly be happier.
I am constantly amazed that you actually like me.
I look at your face and I don’t even understand how I got here, next to you, being able to say I’m yours.
It seems surreal.
To feel your arms around me, to feel your lips press against my forehead whenever you get the whim to kiss me, to be able to run my fingers across your arm or interlock them with yours, and know that you’re holding me, that I’m safe in your arms, that I have your affection… It just doesn’t seem like real life.
I love you so much.
You are often goofy, outspoken, arrogant, confident, crude, and sometimes a bit immature, ignorant, and thoughtless. And I love every moment of it.
Because even when you are all of those things, you are still sweet, kind, gentle, compassionate, understanding, adorable, intelligent, loving, motivated, goal-oriented, wonderful, funny,
Perfect for me.
You are everything I have ever wanted in life.
You have all the same goals as me when it comes to the future;
Get a job, get an apartment, get married, start a family.
Recently my best friend expressed her concern to me about you: that it seemed like you wanted to spend your life close to home, that you wouldn’t want to move with me if I got offered my dream job in California or something and we were engaged/married. That I’d be “stuck” in Nashua for the rest of my life.
I’m not sure if she’s right, though I believe she is incorrect. I believe that if it was truly my dream to move somewhere and I got offered the ideal job and wanted to take it, you’d at the very least consider it, but likely be willing to move with me if it were that important to me. However, I will tell you exactly what I told her.
She does not understand how I work when it comes to this.
In her life, her number one goal and focus is her career. She wants to live in NYC, or LA, or Paris even, and become an actress or director, and I am proud of her for living out her dreams and striving for them. I am glad she has these goals, and I am glad she would be willing to do anything and move anywhere in the world to follow her dream of acting and directing. If she were offered an ideal job in Sri Lanka vs. a great job in Massachusetts, she would be on a plane to Sri Lanka in the drop of a hat.
In my life, however, the thing I have wanted more than anything is to end up with a wonderful man and start a family. I honestly don’t even care what I do as a career. I would LOVE to own a concert venue, it is my ideal situation, however I don’t need it in order to be happy. All I need is a loving husband and family to come home to every night.
And my family here, my parents and sister, are so important to me that I personally don’t desire to move too far away from home myself. I would love to live outside of Boston somewhere so I could potentially begin a venue in the city but be able to visit home whenever I wanted. So if I were offered the opportunity to own a concert venue in Los Angeles, CA, and it would make me a million dollars a year, but was also offered a job at a venue in Boston that would make me a comfortable salary, I would likely take the comfortable job in Boston.
And this would be regardless of whether I was in a serious relationship at the time. I have never had the desire to move far away from my home. I like where I grew up, I had a nice childhood here, and I know it would be a good place to raise my future children.
You can’t put a price tag on family, and I would not want to move so far away that I could never see my parents or sister, or watch my niece grow up and go on her first date, and go to prom, etc. I wouldn’t want my parents to never see their grandchildren, that would break my heart.
I would prefer to live close to home if I could get a decent job and afford a decent lifestyle.
However, if we are still together in the future, and you got offered your dream job elsewhere, I would be willing to move with you, because it would be important to you, and would help you feel accomplished in life, and thats what I want for you.
Now, Liz was concerned about this because in her mind she thought I wanted to take on the world and move to LA and have this rock n roll lifestyle because I love to work with bands, but she has no reason to have this concern. Because I think if it came down to it, we’d find some way to make it work, and I don’t want to live how she thought I did.
I want to live a simple life, waking up to the same person every morning, going to bed with them at night, raising a couple of kids and watching them grow, and having those family moments I had at home growing up.
It seems to me you want that too, and for that reason I can see us lasting. We have many of the same goals in that way, and there is plenty of time for further discussion about all of it, because we’re not planning our future together right now. However I do think of it from time to time, when I notice how you talk to my niece, or how you interact with children, or how you’re good at keeping up a home, and I know you’ll be a wonderful husband and father someday, and maybe it will be with me, maybe it won’t, but I think about it every now and then. And I think you do too.
I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that I think we could work together. I think we make a great team, and I could see us being a wonderful family someday.
You are truly not afraid of commitment, you have mentioned marriage to me a few times already and I haven’t even gathered the courage to tell you I love you yet.
I know that your mentioning isn’t hinting at anything, you aren’t trying to marry me anytime soon, and we aren’t at a place to discuss our future yet.
But today I was thinking about Liz’s concern as I sat on the couch watching Game of Thrones with you, snuggled up next to you, wearing your sweatshirt.
As I looked at you, I smiled.
Because I couldn’t believe you were actually here with me, holding me.
I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to find you during such a difficult time in my life, when I wasn’t even looking for anything/anyone.
I couldn’t believe just how happy you make me on a daily basis.
And I thought, this is perfect.
This moment, sitting here, listening to your heartbeat, feeling the warmth of your skin on mine,
this moment is what I want to last forever.
And in that moment I saw our future together, just for a brief second.
And it seemed like exactly what I have always imagined for my life.
A loving husband to put his arm around me as we watch our weekly shows and our 6 o’clock news.
Someone who will hold me when I feel sick, or sad, or hormonal.
Someone who will be happy living a simple life with me, starting our family and just being together.
And in that moment it was you.
So it will likely be a very long time until I let you read this, simply because I don’t want to scare you off with this type of talk.
But I want you to know that even now, I want to end up with someone like you. Because I think you’ll make someone so incredibly happy, and you’ll be the best husband and father, and if it happens to be with me, I hope I can be an equally great companion.
Because I do love you.
And I hope that I can make you as happy as you make me every single day.
Well you’ve officially met the entire entourage that is my family. I’ll reblog my posts about the initial day you met my parents later, but right now I just want to write a bit about how thankful I am for you.
I know this is long overdue, you met my parents on cinco de mayo, and my grandparents and sister & brother-in-law on my birthday, May 6th.
They loved you baby.
They think you’re wonderful, and you are.
You’ve made a great impression on everyone in my life.
I knew you would, because you’re everything wonderful that I have always been looking for.
Which leads me to the next thing I wanted to tell you:
I love you.
This is the first time I’m admitting it to myself.
I love you.
And I don’t know how you feel, it will likely be a while before you say these words to me, and therefore a while before I say them to you.
But right here, right now, after you’ve spent the night talking with my family, joking with them and being your wonderfully amazing self, I know in my heart that I truly love you.
As of May 27th, I love you.
Now I need to go to sleep so I can wake up and get ready to spend the day with your family today.
Then supposedly you’re taking me somewhere nice, though you won’t tell me where because you want it to be a surprise.
Hopefully its nice out so we can actually go do that, because I’ve never had anyone plan a surprise like this for me.
It’s perfect, being with you.
You make me smile no matter what you do.
I can’t wait to see you later, honey.
I love you, and I hope you’ll let me continue loving you for a very long time.
You’ve been having a really awful 24 hours.
I wish desperately that I could do something to help.
Dealing with the things you’ve been dealing with is hard.
I’m worried about you.
And I miss you like crazy.
I know I’ll see you tomorrow night, but it doesn’t seem fair.
You’re there, going through this struggle, this heartbreak.
And I’m here feeling helpless and useless.
I hope you know I would do anything I could for you right now.
To make you stop feeling this way.
To make you happy.
But I hope the people around you right now are helping with that.
And I hope maybe I can help with it tomorrow when I see you.
You deserve every grin that you get.
So, baby, here I sit in my class, wishing I could see your face and feel your arms around me.
It’s killing me to know I get to see you in less than 3 days, and I’ll have you all to myself for 48 hours.
This week has been dragging on so slowly.
With every passing second I get closer to you.
My heart is already home with you.
I feel like people might be thinking we’re rushing into this.
We’ve not known each other very long, and we’re already talking long term.
But I meant what I said this morning when I told you I’d love to wake up to your face every morning.
And I meant what I said last night when I told you you light up my world like no one else.
I can see us together for a very long time.
We have very similar mind sets when it comes to relationships, and I think we go together very well.
So honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks.
I don’t care if they think we’re moving too fast, or if they think we shouldn’t be talking about being long term yet.
I know we aren’t even official yet, though I’m hoping that will happen soon.
But I can honestly see this lasting.
I know I’ve said this countless times, but you’re everything I’ve always wanted.
I can’t help but feel like I was meant to meet you.
Again, I’m not going to say that I’m sure this will last forever.
Because there is absolutely no way to tell that right now.
We’ve still got much to learn about each other.
But we’ve got so much time to learn these things.
And I am looking forward to every second I get to spend with you,
and every new fact about you I will discover,
and every new experience we’ll share.
I don’t care if we’re moving quickly.
As long as we end up where we both want to be, why does it matter how we get there?
You make me so very happy.
My heart beats faster at the very thought of you.
I hope I make you feel even slightly similar to how I feel when I’m around you.
ok huge pile of mush coming up, there is literally no reason anyone needs to read this, just ignore me, my emotions are a bit haywire.
This text message made my morning more than you could ever even imagine.
God I miss you.
I get to be with you in 3 days.
And I am counting down the minutes.
omg someone stop me.
i’m being mushy and cute.
ugh ugh ugh.
#But he’s so wonderful #and I smile every time I get a text #and ugh he’s just so wonderful #did I mention he’s wonderful? #yeah
This is my general reaction to our conversation right now.
You’re brighter than sunshine to me, hun <3
You light up my world like nothing else can.
Ok, here’s the first post in real time. I’m all caught up to everything I’ve already blogged.
Now I’ll start to simply update this blog.
My first post is fairly long. Please bear with me.
I don’t know what I’m doing really right now.
I am honestly falling for you so quickly.
It’s actually kind of frightening.
Because everyone has been telling me to take my time, and casually date, and date more people, etc.
But no one knows how I work.
I’m not like that.
I can’t date more than one person at a time.
I like affection.
The kind where you’re with someone and you’re the only one for them and they’re the only one for you.
And I’m not going to say yet that we should get married someday.
Because jesus christ that would be ridiculous.
We’ve been dating for a month, sleeping together for two.
Thats not enough time to say its definitely going to last forever.
But what I will say is who knows what will happen?
Have you ever heard the term “yellow bird”?
It’s used to describe the one person who belongs in your life.
“a person’s true love; the one person they are both externally and internally, both consciously and subconsciously attached to with the realization that those feelings will never die; the one person that they know they can’t live without ”
I don’t know if your my yellow bird yet.
But right now I’m happy.
And I want to be with you for a very long time.
And if you are my yellow bird
I’m really glad you showed up in my life.
Because so far, baby, you’re everything I’ve been wanting for a long time.
Maybe you’re my yellow bird.
But for right now it’s enough to just know that you’re mine.
You’re my bird (pun intended).
We’ll just have to figure out your color later.
I wrote this very very long post on March 16th.
It is all about emotions, not just mine, but all of them.
Emotions as their own category.
I am only adding it to this blog because the last two sections are about you.
You can read the whole thing or skip to the end, I won’t be offended :)
But I thought this should be included because it takes about how I’m dealing with my emotions for you, and how I’m handling this new situation we have.
I’m loving every second of it.
#ok here’s the thing #you have officially started calling me hun almost every time you talk to me #we had the conversation about meeting each others’ parents #we spend almost every possible second together when I’m home #but we aren’t using the words ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’…? #I’m just confused as to what actually constitutes a relationship if this isn’t it #because i don’t know how to go about this #but in my eyes we’re together #we’re making plans for this summer #to go strawberry picking #and other cute shit #and basically spend a lot of time together #we’re talking about how I’ll spend nights with you when you move to Lowell #and I’m like wait #how far into the future is that going to be #probably a while #and you’re already planning on still being with me at that point #and I like that #because why waste my time with you if you’re only wanting to be with me for a really short term #thats not how i work #so I don’t mind mention of the future #but I guess I’m confused #because if you’re planning on being with me long term #and we’re acting like we are #and we’re exclusive - you said so yourself #then why don’t we just label it? #we’re in a relationship #just admit it
This was April 16th.
Later this day you asked me “when we’re official, how long do you see us going?”
And we agreed that we both can see this lasting a very long time.
Yet we’re still not official yet.
And I’m not complaining at all.
I can wait for you to be ready, I really can.
There is no rush in my book.
I just already think of you as mine because I like you so much and you’ve even said we’re exclusive.
But I can wait as long as you need to.
Because I truly care about you so much <3
#dear sweet jesus christ almighty #i am absolutely dying #these texts #there are chills running up and down my body #why am i so far away #in 5 days i get to experience these things we’re writing #but oh my god in the meantime i need to find some time alone #like immediately #if not sooner
This was Sunday night. April 15th.
I had just seen you that morning.
And that night we sent these text messages.
And they made me want you more than anything in the world.
Like I’ve said in a past post,
I can’t get enough of you.