Be My Yellow Bird

I’m sitting here today in my stupor of exhaustion mixed with ultra-caffeinated beverages, and I’m simply thinking about where we’re at right now.

I’m looking back on our experiences together, specifically last weekend, and how we interact, and here are some things I’ve noticed about how we are:

• We love talking to each other. We spend a lot of our time talking to each other, and I don’t know about how you feel, but I know that every new thing I learn about you, I like. I feel like we still have a lot to figure out about each other, but I’m not opposed to this; I’m excited. I look forward to every new fact I get to learn about you, and every new experience I get to share with you.
• We love holding each other. Again, I can’t be sure this is true for you, but when we’re together you often hold me close to you, and my favorite thing is being able to wrap my arms around you too. We’re close in this way, and we’re comfortable.
• We’re timid. Not always, and not for long, but when we first see each other we don’t jump right into acting so comfortable and “together”. I’ve yet to get a kiss hello. We see each other and simply sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes until we break that awkwardness and kiss or hug or say “i missed you”.

Now, I’m not sure if the last one is happening because we aren’t official yet, or if we aren’t official yet because of the awkward motions of this action. 

Either way, I can’t wait until these awkward hellos end. 

I see you and I don’t want to come across as clingy or needy and scare you off, so I wait for you to initiate any affectionate actions.

But when I see you all I can think about is how much I have missed you and how badly I want to hold your hand, or kiss your lips, or be held in your arms.

Now I’m not trying to beg for an official relationship status. I’m not trying to push you into anything, and I really, truly do not mind where we’re at and how it’s going. I’m happy just to have you in my life, whether I can call you my “boyfriend” or not right now. I just want that to be clear. I’m not unhappy with the way things are going.

But I am also excited to someday be able to call this official. 

I’m excited to call you mine.

I’m excited to be yours.

And I’m excited for you to be ready for this too. 

Because I like you so much, and you even said you can see us lasting a long time.

Well I’m excited to start that time with you.

And I’m excited to see where it goes.

Well, babe, we had our weekend together.

Our first full weekend spent just together;

Just the two of us crawling into bed at night,

Just the two of us waking up in each others’ arms in the morning.

I’d say it was pretty perfect, in my book anyway.

Relaxing, cuddling, kissing, etc.

I honestly could not have asked for a better weekend with you. 

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I left 3 hours ago to come back to school, and I miss you so much already.

You gave me your sweatshirt to take with me,

And I have a feeling it is going to be a large part of my wardrobe for quite some time.

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Anything to remind me of you <3

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In about two weeks I will be home for my birthday, and you’ll take me on a birthday date.

After that it’s only 8 days until I’m home for the summer. 

A total of 11 days until I see you again, and about 21 until I’m home for months.

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I can’t wait. 

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I can’t wait to see you again, though right now all I have to do is close my eyes.

I can’t wait until we can be together whenever we want to, not just via text messaging.

You don’t know how much you mean to me right now.

I’m moving into this a lot faster than I ever expected to.

I told you a few days ago that I’m falling for you.

Well I don’t know if thats completely true.

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I think I’ve already completely fallen.

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When I’m with you, I’m happy.

When I’m thinking about you, I’m happy.

This weekend I found myself looking at you so often.

Just staring at your face.

I wanted to really take it all in.

I knew it would go by fast and then I’d have to wait a while to see you again.

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So I just stared.

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I watched your eyes as you were engulfed in the movie, 

I saw them smile at your favorite parts.

I watched your mouth as you talked to me,

And as you talked to Jess,

And as you talked just to talk, no real recipient in mind.

I noticed the smirk when you thought you were being funny,

Or when you knew you were saying something that Jess would react negatively to.

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I watched you move.

I watched your hands.

I noticed the way you sat at the table to eat breakfast with me.

Coffee in one hand, leaning back, like you were so comfortable there.

Like this was our life;

You, sitting at the end of the table,

Me, sitting next to you;

Sharing a meal to begin our day.

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I watched you smile at me.

Sometimes because I said something stupid

(and, trust me, I don’t blame you for laughing).

Sometimes because you were proud that the things you say and do were rubbing off on me, and Jess had pointed out I was doing them too.

Sometimes because you just caught me looking.

And every time you caught me, you just kissed my forehead.

Simple as that. 

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Those moments are my favorite.

The ones where you look at me like I’m the only person around.

Like I’m the only thing that matters in that moment.

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Like when we were watching the hockey game on Saturday.

In the middle of the game,

Not during a commercial break, 

Not during an intermission,

In the middle of your favorite team playing your favorite sport,

You looked me straight in the eye and said,

“You are so beautiful.”

And then you pulled me close and kissed me.

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That was the greatest moment I’ve had in so long.

But its hard to even say that because every moment with you is so wonderful.

Everything you say to me, and every time you do something like that,

You make me feel beautiful.

You make me feel like I’m so special.

You make me feel like I matter.

When you hold the back of my head and you just kiss me.

Or when you tell me you like me,

Or when you just hold me for a minute,

And look at me.

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I don’t even know what to say to you sometimes.

Because I want to just go on and on about how I feel, but I don’t want to scare you. 

But the truth is that I have so many feelings towards you.

My heart beats faster around you.

I’ve often wanted to show you that, 

Tell you to rest your ear on my chest and just listen to how loud and fast my heart is beating.

Then tell you to kiss me,

And listen again.

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You would notice the change,

It’s dramatic.

But I don’t know if you’d really appreciate it in the moments when I think of it.

So I never tell you to.

But try it sometime, if you ever read this.

It’s impressive how much you can alter my body’s natural rhythm.

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I also want you to know this:

I could spend forever in your arms,

Eternity with my head resting on your chest.

I feel connected to you when I do this.

I feel like nothing can be bad when I’m with you like this.

Nothing can go wrong when we’re so close, 

I feel safe.

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I feel so much for you.

I care about you more than you know.

I have fallen for you so hard, and I’m not sure you have any idea of the severity.

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I hope you’re right about how long we’ll be together.

I hope you choose you want that. 

I hope we can officially start this relationship soon.

I hope your feelings for me don’t go away as you learn more about me.

I hope I can be everything you want and more.

Most of all,

I hope we get more time like this weekend.

Because I don’t even want to sleep tonight without you by my side.

And I’m dreading waking up in the morning without your face being the first thing I see.

And the way we worked as a couple this weekend,

Alone,

Running our own lives together,

Well, we were pretty good at it, 

And we’ll only get better.

I hope we get that experience again.

I loved being there with you.

I loved having you by my side.

I was home,

And not because of the place,

Because of you.

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Oh,

And, darling,

You are a damn good cook :)

I’m sitting here on campus as everyone begins their spring fling partying, and all I’m thinking is that if I didn’t have to work tomorrow I could be going home to see you right now.

I can hear everyone having fun and living it up, and thats great for them.

But I don’t even want to party or drink.

All I want is to be home in your arms where I will feel safe, secure, and happier than I’ll ever feel anywhere else.

In 25 hours I will begin my drive home.

How badly I wish it could be sooner.

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Baby, you mean the world to me <3

So, baby, here I sit in my class, wishing I could see your face and feel your arms around me.

It’s killing me to know I get to see you in less than 3 days, and I’ll have you all to myself for 48 hours.

This week has been dragging on so slowly. 

With every passing second I get closer to you.

My heart is already home with you.

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I feel like people might be thinking we’re rushing into this.

We’ve not known each other very long, and we’re already talking long term.

But I meant what I said this morning when I told you I’d love to wake up to your face every morning.

And I meant what I said last night when I told you you light up my world like no one else.

I can see us together for a very long time. 

We have very similar mind sets when it comes to relationships, and I think we go together very well.

So honestly I don’t care what anyone thinks.

I don’t care if they think we’re moving too fast, or if they think we shouldn’t be talking about being long term yet. 

I know we aren’t even official yet, though I’m hoping that will happen soon.

But I can honestly see this lasting. 

I know I’ve said this countless times, but you’re everything I’ve always wanted.

I can’t help but feel like I was meant to meet you. 

Again, I’m not going to say that I’m sure this will last forever. 

Because there is absolutely no way to tell that right now.

We’ve still got much to learn about each other.

But we’ve got so much time to learn these things.

And I am looking forward to every second I get to spend with you,

and every new fact about you I will discover,

and every new experience we’ll share.

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I don’t care if we’re moving quickly.

As long as we end up where we both want to be, why does it matter how we get there?

You make me so very happy.

My heart beats faster at the very thought of you.

I hope I make you feel even slightly similar to how I feel when I’m around you.

through-a-vector:

ok huge pile of mush coming up, there is literally no reason anyone needs to read this, just ignore me, my emotions are a bit haywire.

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This text message made my morning more than you could ever even imagine. 

God I miss you.

I get to be with you in 3 days.

And I am counting down the minutes.

:*

through-a-vector:

omg someone stop me.

i’m being mushy and cute.

ugh ugh ugh.

 

#But he’s so wonderful #and I smile every time I get a text #and ugh he’s just so wonderful #did I mention he’s wonderful? #yeah

This is my general reaction to our conversation right now.

You’re brighter than sunshine to me, hun <3

You light up my world like nothing else can.

Ok, here’s the first post in real time. I’m all caught up to everything I’ve already blogged.

Now I’ll start to simply update this blog.

My first post is fairly long. Please bear with me.

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I don’t know what I’m doing really right now.

I am honestly falling for you so quickly. 

It’s actually kind of frightening. 

Because everyone has been telling me to take my time, and casually date, and date more people, etc. 

But no one knows how I work.

I’m not like that.

I can’t date more than one person at a time.

I like affection.

Real affection.

The kind where you’re with someone and you’re the only one for them and they’re the only one for you.

And I’m not going to say yet that we should get married someday.

Because jesus christ that would be ridiculous.

We’ve been dating for a month, sleeping together for two.

Thats not enough time to say its definitely going to last forever.

But what I will say is who knows what will happen?

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Have you ever heard the term “yellow bird”?

It’s used to describe the one person who belongs in your life.

“a person’s true love; the one person they are both externally and internally, both consciously and subconsciously attached to with the realization that those feelings will never die; the one person that they know they can’t live without ”

I don’t know if your my yellow bird yet.

But right now I’m happy.

And I want to be with you for a very long time.

And if you are my yellow bird

then hi

I’m really glad you showed up in my life.

Because so far, baby, you’re everything I’ve been wanting for a long time.

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Maybe you’re my yellow bird.

But for right now it’s enough to just know that you’re mine.

You’re my bird (pun intended).

We’ll just have to figure out your color later.

<3

I wrote this very very long post on March 16th. 

It is all about emotions, not just mine, but all of them. 

Emotions as their own category.

I am only adding it to this blog because the last two sections are about you.

You can read the whole thing or skip to the end, I won’t be offended :)

But I thought this should be included because it takes about how I’m dealing with my emotions for you, and how I’m handling this new situation we have.

I’m loving every second of it.  

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Read More

#ok here’s the thing #you have officially started calling me hun almost every time you talk to me #we had the conversation about meeting each others’ parents #we spend almost every possible second together when I’m home #but we aren’t using the words ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’…? #I’m just confused as to what actually constitutes a relationship if this isn’t it #because i don’t know how to go about this #but in my eyes we’re together #we’re making plans for this summer #to go strawberry picking #and other cute shit #and basically spend a lot of time together #we’re talking about how I’ll spend nights with you when you move to Lowell #and I’m like wait #how far into the future is that going to be #probably a while #and you’re already planning on still being with me at that point #and I like that #because why waste my time with you if you’re only wanting to be with me for a really short term #thats not how i work #so I don’t mind mention of the future #but I guess I’m confused #because if you’re planning on being with me long term #and we’re acting like we are #and we’re exclusive - you said so yourself #then why don’t we just label it? #we’re in a relationship #just admit it

This was April 16th.

Later this day you asked me “when we’re official, how long do you see us going?”

And we agreed that we both can see this lasting a very long time.

Yet we’re still not official yet.

And I’m not complaining at all.

I can wait for you to be ready, I really can. 

There is no rush in my book.

I just already think of you as mine because I like you so much and you’ve even said we’re exclusive.

But I can wait as long as you need to.

Because I truly care about you so much <3

#dear sweet jesus christ almighty #i am absolutely dying #these texts #there are chills running up and down my body #why am i so far away #in 5 days i get to experience these things we’re writing #but oh my god in the meantime i need to find some time alone #like immediately #if not sooner

This was Sunday night. April 15th.

I had just seen you that morning. 

And that night we sent these text messages.

And they made me want you more than anything in the world.

Like I’ve said in a past post,

I can’t get enough of you.

I can’t.