Be My Yellow Bird

through-a-vector:

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dear boyfriend, you will be the death of me.

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This was on May 15th, I don’t think I ever posted it to this blog, but this text made me so incredibly happy <3

So recently I’ve been paying less attention to this blog, which is bumming me out because I really want it to be full of my feelings for you as they continue to develop, so that someday I can give you this URL and you can read from the very beginning of our relationship exactly how I’ve felt about you every step of the way, leading up to exactly how I feel about you when I give you access to it.

Baby, you are still perfect for me.

You finally told me you loved me for the first time a couple weeks ago. 

I was surprised as well as full of joy.

I’ve loved you for a while but I wanted to wait for you to say it, not because I was scared, but because I knew I fell for you a lot quicker than you fell for me, and I wanted you to be able to take your time with your feelings for me, and not rush into them just because I convinced you to.

And you finally did, and you were perfect about it.

Baby you make me the happiest in the world.

I need to thank you for so many things.

But specifically I need to thank you for this:

I recently have been having some body issues. I haven’t felt good enough.

Then I received hate mail from a stupid girl who had nothing better to do in her life than trash me for no reason.

And that made me even more self conscious.

Then there were some other things that didn’t help, but no need to go into them.

The important thing I am getting at is that you knew something was wrong.

And instead of ignoring it and not wanting to talk about my feelings, you asked me.

And kept asking until I finally opened up about what it was.

And then you made me feel better.

You actually talked to me until I felt 100% better about the situation.

You told me and showed me that you loved me, that you truly loved me.

You made me feel special, you made me feel important, you made me feel beautiful and sexy, and you made me feel GOOD about myself.

This was so great, so wonderful of you, and I just felt totally loved in those moments.

So thank you, thank you for being kind, thank you for being compassionate, thank you for loving me, thank you for showing me I’m worthy of being loved, and thank you for being everything you are, because I am so much happier with you than I ever thought I would be in life. 

I love you so much, baby.

More than you can even know.

through-a-vector:

I realized last night that my heart actually flutters around you.

I’ve never had that before.

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June 7th, 2012

So I’ve been spending a lot of time with you lately, and I could not possibly be happier.

I am constantly amazed that you actually like me.

I look at your face and I don’t even understand how I got here, next to you, being able to say I’m yours.

It seems surreal.

To feel your arms around me, to feel your lips press against my forehead whenever you get the whim to kiss me, to be able to run my fingers across your arm or interlock them with yours, and know that you’re holding me, that I’m safe in your arms, that I have your affection… It just doesn’t seem like real life.

I love you so much.

You are often goofy, outspoken, arrogant, confident, crude, and sometimes a bit immature, ignorant, and thoughtless. And I love every moment of it.

Because even when you are all of those things, you are still sweet, kind, gentle, compassionate, understanding, adorable, intelligent, loving, motivated, goal-oriented, wonderful, funny,

and perfect.

Perfect for me.

You are everything I have ever wanted in life.

You have all the same goals as me when it comes to the future; 

Get a job, get an apartment, get married, start a family.

Recently my best friend expressed her concern to me about you: that it seemed like you wanted to spend your life close to home, that you wouldn’t want to move with me if I got offered my dream job in California or something and we were engaged/married. That I’d be “stuck” in Nashua for the rest of my life.

I’m not sure if she’s right, though I believe she is incorrect. I believe that if it was truly my dream to move somewhere and I got offered the ideal job and wanted to take it, you’d at the very least consider it, but likely be willing to move with me if it were that important to me. However, I will tell you exactly what I told her.

She does not understand how I work when it comes to this.

In her life, her number one goal and focus is her career. She wants to live in NYC, or LA, or Paris even, and become an actress or director, and I am proud of her for living out her dreams and striving for them. I am glad she has these goals, and I am glad she would be willing to do anything and move anywhere in the world to follow her dream of acting and directing. If she were offered an ideal job in Sri Lanka vs. a great job in Massachusetts, she would be on a plane to Sri Lanka in the drop of a hat.

In my life, however, the thing I have wanted more than anything is to end up with a wonderful man and start a family. I honestly don’t even care what I do as a career. I would LOVE to own a concert venue, it is my ideal situation, however I don’t need it in order to be happy. All I need is a loving husband and family to come home to every night.

And my family here, my parents and sister, are so important to me that I personally don’t desire to move too far away from home myself. I would love to live outside of Boston somewhere so I could potentially begin a venue in the city but be able to visit home whenever I wanted. So if I were offered the opportunity to own a concert venue in Los Angeles, CA, and it would make me a million dollars a year, but was also offered a job at a venue in Boston that would make me a comfortable salary, I would likely take the comfortable job in Boston. 

And this would be regardless of whether I was in a serious relationship at the time. I have never had the desire to move far away from my home. I like where I grew up, I had a nice childhood here, and I know it would be a good place to raise my future children.

You can’t put a price tag on family, and I would not want to move so far away that I could never see my parents or sister, or watch my niece grow up and go on her first date, and go to prom, etc. I wouldn’t want my parents to never see their grandchildren, that would break my heart.

I would prefer to live close to home if I could get a decent job and afford a decent lifestyle. 

However, if we are still together in the future, and you got offered your dream job elsewhere, I would be willing to move with you, because it would be important to you, and would help you feel accomplished in life, and thats what I want for you.

Now, Liz was concerned about this because in her mind she thought I wanted to take on the world and move to LA and have this rock n roll lifestyle because I love to work with bands, but she has no reason to have this concern. Because I think if it came down to it, we’d find some way to make it work, and I don’t want to live how she thought I did. 

I want to live a simple life, waking up to the same person every morning, going to bed with them at night, raising a couple of kids and watching them grow, and having those family moments I had at home growing up. 

It seems to me you want that too, and for that reason I can see us lasting. We have many of the same goals in that way, and there is plenty of time for further discussion about all of it, because we’re not planning our future together right now. However I do think of it from time to time, when I notice how you talk to my niece, or how you interact with children, or how you’re good at keeping up a home, and I know you’ll be a wonderful husband and father someday, and maybe it will be with me, maybe it won’t, but I think about it every now and then. And I think you do too.

I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that I think we could work together. I think we make a great team, and I could see us being a wonderful family someday.

You are truly not afraid of commitment, you have mentioned marriage to me a few times already and I haven’t even gathered the courage to tell you I love you yet. 

I know that your mentioning isn’t hinting at anything, you aren’t trying to marry me anytime soon, and we aren’t at a place to discuss our future yet. 

But today I was thinking about Liz’s concern as I sat on the couch watching Game of Thrones with you, snuggled up next to you, wearing your sweatshirt.

As I looked at you, I smiled. 

Because I couldn’t believe you were actually here with me, holding me.

I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to find you during such a difficult time in my life, when I wasn’t even looking for anything/anyone.

I couldn’t believe just how happy you make me on a daily basis.

And I thought, this is perfect.

This moment, sitting here, listening to your heartbeat, feeling the warmth of your skin on mine,

this moment is what I want to last forever.

And in that moment I saw our future together, just for a brief second.

And it seemed like exactly what I have always imagined for my life.

A loving husband to put his arm around me as we watch our weekly shows and our 6 o’clock news.

Someone who will hold me when I feel sick, or sad, or hormonal.

Someone who will be happy living a simple life with me, starting our family and just being together.

And in that moment it was you.

So it will likely be a very long time until I let you read this, simply because I don’t want to scare you off with this type of talk.

But I want you to know that even now, I want to end up with someone like you. Because I think you’ll make someone so incredibly happy, and you’ll be the best husband and father, and if it happens to be with me, I hope I can be an equally great companion. 

Because I do love you.

And I hope that I can make you as happy as you make me every single day.

Well you’ve officially met the entire entourage that is my family. I’ll reblog my posts about the initial day you met my parents later, but right now I just want to write a bit about how thankful I am for you.

I know this is long overdue, you met my parents on cinco de mayo, and my grandparents and sister & brother-in-law on my birthday, May 6th. 

They loved you baby.

They think you’re wonderful, and you are.

You’ve made a great impression on everyone in my life.

I knew you would, because you’re everything wonderful that I have always been looking for.

Which leads me to the next thing I wanted to tell you:

I love you.

This is the first time I’m admitting it to myself.

I love you.

Very much.

And I don’t know how you feel, it will likely be a while before you say these words to me, and therefore a while before I say them to you.

But right here, right now, after you’ve spent the night talking with my family, joking with them and being your wonderfully amazing self, I know in my heart that I truly love you.

As of May 27th, I love you.

Now I need to go to sleep so I can wake up and get ready to spend the day with your family today.

Then supposedly you’re taking me somewhere nice, though you won’t tell me where because you want it to be a surprise.

Hopefully its nice out so we can actually go do that, because I’ve never had anyone plan a surprise like this for me.

It’s perfect, being with you.

You make me smile no matter what you do.

I can’t wait to see you later, honey.

I love you, and I hope you’ll let me continue loving you for a very long time.

I’m sitting here today in my stupor of exhaustion mixed with ultra-caffeinated beverages, and I’m simply thinking about where we’re at right now.

I’m looking back on our experiences together, specifically last weekend, and how we interact, and here are some things I’ve noticed about how we are:

• We love talking to each other. We spend a lot of our time talking to each other, and I don’t know about how you feel, but I know that every new thing I learn about you, I like. I feel like we still have a lot to figure out about each other, but I’m not opposed to this; I’m excited. I look forward to every new fact I get to learn about you, and every new experience I get to share with you.
• We love holding each other. Again, I can’t be sure this is true for you, but when we’re together you often hold me close to you, and my favorite thing is being able to wrap my arms around you too. We’re close in this way, and we’re comfortable.
• We’re timid. Not always, and not for long, but when we first see each other we don’t jump right into acting so comfortable and “together”. I’ve yet to get a kiss hello. We see each other and simply sit in an awkward silence for a few minutes until we break that awkwardness and kiss or hug or say “i missed you”.

Now, I’m not sure if the last one is happening because we aren’t official yet, or if we aren’t official yet because of the awkward motions of this action. 

Either way, I can’t wait until these awkward hellos end. 

I see you and I don’t want to come across as clingy or needy and scare you off, so I wait for you to initiate any affectionate actions.

But when I see you all I can think about is how much I have missed you and how badly I want to hold your hand, or kiss your lips, or be held in your arms.

Now I’m not trying to beg for an official relationship status. I’m not trying to push you into anything, and I really, truly do not mind where we’re at and how it’s going. I’m happy just to have you in my life, whether I can call you my “boyfriend” or not right now. I just want that to be clear. I’m not unhappy with the way things are going.

But I am also excited to someday be able to call this official. 

I’m excited to call you mine.

I’m excited to be yours.

And I’m excited for you to be ready for this too. 

Because I like you so much, and you even said you can see us lasting a long time.

Well I’m excited to start that time with you.

And I’m excited to see where it goes.