So recently I’ve been paying less attention to this blog, which is bumming me out because I really want it to be full of my feelings for you as they continue to develop, so that someday I can give you this URL and you can read from the very beginning of our relationship exactly how I’ve felt about you every step of the way, leading up to exactly how I feel about you when I give you access to it.
Baby, you are still perfect for me.
You finally told me you loved me for the first time a couple weeks ago.
I was surprised as well as full of joy.
I’ve loved you for a while but I wanted to wait for you to say it, not because I was scared, but because I knew I fell for you a lot quicker than you fell for me, and I wanted you to be able to take your time with your feelings for me, and not rush into them just because I convinced you to.
And you finally did, and you were perfect about it.
Baby you make me the happiest in the world.
I need to thank you for so many things.
But specifically I need to thank you for this:
I recently have been having some body issues. I haven’t felt good enough.
Then I received hate mail from a stupid girl who had nothing better to do in her life than trash me for no reason.
And that made me even more self conscious.
Then there were some other things that didn’t help, but no need to go into them.
The important thing I am getting at is that you knew something was wrong.
And instead of ignoring it and not wanting to talk about my feelings, you asked me.
And kept asking until I finally opened up about what it was.
And then you made me feel better.
You actually talked to me until I felt 100% better about the situation.
You told me and showed me that you loved me, that you truly loved me.
You made me feel special, you made me feel important, you made me feel beautiful and sexy, and you made me feel GOOD about myself.
This was so great, so wonderful of you, and I just felt totally loved in those moments.
So thank you, thank you for being kind, thank you for being compassionate, thank you for loving me, thank you for showing me I’m worthy of being loved, and thank you for being everything you are, because I am so much happier with you than I ever thought I would be in life.
I love you so much, baby.
More than you can even know.
I realized last night that my heart actually flutters around you.
I’ve never had that before.
June 7th, 2012
So I’ve been spending a lot of time with you lately, and I could not possibly be happier.
I am constantly amazed that you actually like me.
I look at your face and I don’t even understand how I got here, next to you, being able to say I’m yours.
It seems surreal.
To feel your arms around me, to feel your lips press against my forehead whenever you get the whim to kiss me, to be able to run my fingers across your arm or interlock them with yours, and know that you’re holding me, that I’m safe in your arms, that I have your affection… It just doesn’t seem like real life.
I love you so much.
You are often goofy, outspoken, arrogant, confident, crude, and sometimes a bit immature, ignorant, and thoughtless. And I love every moment of it.
Because even when you are all of those things, you are still sweet, kind, gentle, compassionate, understanding, adorable, intelligent, loving, motivated, goal-oriented, wonderful, funny,
and perfect.
Perfect for me.
You are everything I have ever wanted in life.
You have all the same goals as me when it comes to the future;
Get a job, get an apartment, get married, start a family.
Recently my best friend expressed her concern to me about you: that it seemed like you wanted to spend your life close to home, that you wouldn’t want to move with me if I got offered my dream job in California or something and we were engaged/married. That I’d be “stuck” in Nashua for the rest of my life.
I’m not sure if she’s right, though I believe she is incorrect. I believe that if it was truly my dream to move somewhere and I got offered the ideal job and wanted to take it, you’d at the very least consider it, but likely be willing to move with me if it were that important to me. However, I will tell you exactly what I told her.
She does not understand how I work when it comes to this.
In her life, her number one goal and focus is her career. She wants to live in NYC, or LA, or Paris even, and become an actress or director, and I am proud of her for living out her dreams and striving for them. I am glad she has these goals, and I am glad she would be willing to do anything and move anywhere in the world to follow her dream of acting and directing. If she were offered an ideal job in Sri Lanka vs. a great job in Massachusetts, she would be on a plane to Sri Lanka in the drop of a hat.
In my life, however, the thing I have wanted more than anything is to end up with a wonderful man and start a family. I honestly don’t even care what I do as a career. I would LOVE to own a concert venue, it is my ideal situation, however I don’t need it in order to be happy. All I need is a loving husband and family to come home to every night.
And my family here, my parents and sister, are so important to me that I personally don’t desire to move too far away from home myself. I would love to live outside of Boston somewhere so I could potentially begin a venue in the city but be able to visit home whenever I wanted. So if I were offered the opportunity to own a concert venue in Los Angeles, CA, and it would make me a million dollars a year, but was also offered a job at a venue in Boston that would make me a comfortable salary, I would likely take the comfortable job in Boston.
And this would be regardless of whether I was in a serious relationship at the time. I have never had the desire to move far away from my home. I like where I grew up, I had a nice childhood here, and I know it would be a good place to raise my future children.
You can’t put a price tag on family, and I would not want to move so far away that I could never see my parents or sister, or watch my niece grow up and go on her first date, and go to prom, etc. I wouldn’t want my parents to never see their grandchildren, that would break my heart.
I would prefer to live close to home if I could get a decent job and afford a decent lifestyle.
However, if we are still together in the future, and you got offered your dream job elsewhere, I would be willing to move with you, because it would be important to you, and would help you feel accomplished in life, and thats what I want for you.
Now, Liz was concerned about this because in her mind she thought I wanted to take on the world and move to LA and have this rock n roll lifestyle because I love to work with bands, but she has no reason to have this concern. Because I think if it came down to it, we’d find some way to make it work, and I don’t want to live how she thought I did.
I want to live a simple life, waking up to the same person every morning, going to bed with them at night, raising a couple of kids and watching them grow, and having those family moments I had at home growing up.
It seems to me you want that too, and for that reason I can see us lasting. We have many of the same goals in that way, and there is plenty of time for further discussion about all of it, because we’re not planning our future together right now. However I do think of it from time to time, when I notice how you talk to my niece, or how you interact with children, or how you’re good at keeping up a home, and I know you’ll be a wonderful husband and father someday, and maybe it will be with me, maybe it won’t, but I think about it every now and then. And I think you do too.
I am telling you all of this because I want you to know that I think we could work together. I think we make a great team, and I could see us being a wonderful family someday.
You are truly not afraid of commitment, you have mentioned marriage to me a few times already and I haven’t even gathered the courage to tell you I love you yet.
I know that your mentioning isn’t hinting at anything, you aren’t trying to marry me anytime soon, and we aren’t at a place to discuss our future yet.
But today I was thinking about Liz’s concern as I sat on the couch watching Game of Thrones with you, snuggled up next to you, wearing your sweatshirt.
As I looked at you, I smiled.
Because I couldn’t believe you were actually here with me, holding me.
I couldn’t believe I was so lucky to find you during such a difficult time in my life, when I wasn’t even looking for anything/anyone.
I couldn’t believe just how happy you make me on a daily basis.
And I thought, this is perfect.
This moment, sitting here, listening to your heartbeat, feeling the warmth of your skin on mine,
this moment is what I want to last forever.
And in that moment I saw our future together, just for a brief second.
And it seemed like exactly what I have always imagined for my life.
A loving husband to put his arm around me as we watch our weekly shows and our 6 o’clock news.
Someone who will hold me when I feel sick, or sad, or hormonal.
Someone who will be happy living a simple life with me, starting our family and just being together.
And in that moment it was you.
So it will likely be a very long time until I let you read this, simply because I don’t want to scare you off with this type of talk.
But I want you to know that even now, I want to end up with someone like you. Because I think you’ll make someone so incredibly happy, and you’ll be the best husband and father, and if it happens to be with me, I hope I can be an equally great companion.
Because I do love you.
And I hope that I can make you as happy as you make me every single day.
Prepare for all the emotions.
At 7 am you randomly asked if you could come visit me today.
You drove 2 hours here in the pouring rain just to spend a few hours with me.
And you officially asked me to be your girlfriend.
May 1st 2012.
5 days until my birthday.
And I can already tell you this made my week.
Now you’re on your 2 hour trip home.
And I already miss you.
I am so happy to officially be with you baby.
I enjoyed every second you were here.
I can’t wait to be home soon so I can see you all the time.
You are honestly just the cutest and I can’t even begin to explain how happy you make me.
When you were in the parking lot waiting for me to get out of class you texted me this:
“Oh where is my Tasha?
Oh where is my Tasha?
Oh where, oh where, oh whereeee………is my Tasha?”
And I don’t even know why but that made me squeal when I got out of class and read it.
Literally the cutest.
I don’t even know what to do with myself now.
I hope you know you just completely spoiled me by coming to visit me.
I’m going to go take a nap and just dream about you being here.
Today was actually perfect.
Thank you for making the beginning of my finals week bearable.
I miss you, hun.
<3
When I ask “Having a good day?”…
And you respond “Yes, just missing my honey”….
I DIE.
I DIE. I DIE. I DIE.
Who said you were allowed to be so cute?
Who gave you permission, sir?
/crying/
I needed that.
My day has been stressful.
This just made me smile so much.
Ugh.
You are just too much.
You seriously just made my day with that text.
Well, babe, we had our weekend together.
Our first full weekend spent just together;
Just the two of us crawling into bed at night,
Just the two of us waking up in each others’ arms in the morning.
I’d say it was pretty perfect, in my book anyway.
Relaxing, cuddling, kissing, etc.
I honestly could not have asked for a better weekend with you.
.
I left 3 hours ago to come back to school, and I miss you so much already.
You gave me your sweatshirt to take with me,
And I have a feeling it is going to be a large part of my wardrobe for quite some time.
.
Anything to remind me of you <3
.
In about two weeks I will be home for my birthday, and you’ll take me on a birthday date.
After that it’s only 8 days until I’m home for the summer.
A total of 11 days until I see you again, and about 21 until I’m home for months.
.
I can’t wait.
.
I can’t wait to see you again, though right now all I have to do is close my eyes.
I can’t wait until we can be together whenever we want to, not just via text messaging.
You don’t know how much you mean to me right now.
I’m moving into this a lot faster than I ever expected to.
I told you a few days ago that I’m falling for you.
Well I don’t know if thats completely true.
.
I think I’ve already completely fallen.
.
When I’m with you, I’m happy.
When I’m thinking about you, I’m happy.
This weekend I found myself looking at you so often.
Just staring at your face.
I wanted to really take it all in.
I knew it would go by fast and then I’d have to wait a while to see you again.
.
So I just stared.
.
I watched your eyes as you were engulfed in the movie,
I saw them smile at your favorite parts.
I watched your mouth as you talked to me,
And as you talked to Jess,
And as you talked just to talk, no real recipient in mind.
I noticed the smirk when you thought you were being funny,
Or when you knew you were saying something that Jess would react negatively to.
.
I watched you move.
I watched your hands.
I noticed the way you sat at the table to eat breakfast with me.
Coffee in one hand, leaning back, like you were so comfortable there.
Like this was our life;
You, sitting at the end of the table,
Me, sitting next to you;
Sharing a meal to begin our day.
.
I watched you smile at me.
Sometimes because I said something stupid
(and, trust me, I don’t blame you for laughing).
Sometimes because you were proud that the things you say and do were rubbing off on me, and Jess had pointed out I was doing them too.
Sometimes because you just caught me looking.
And every time you caught me, you just kissed my forehead.
Simple as that.
.
Those moments are my favorite.
The ones where you look at me like I’m the only person around.
Like I’m the only thing that matters in that moment.
.
Like when we were watching the hockey game on Saturday.
In the middle of the game,
Not during a commercial break,
Not during an intermission,
In the middle of your favorite team playing your favorite sport,
You looked me straight in the eye and said,
“You are so beautiful.”
And then you pulled me close and kissed me.
.
That was the greatest moment I’ve had in so long.
But its hard to even say that because every moment with you is so wonderful.
Everything you say to me, and every time you do something like that,
You make me feel beautiful.
You make me feel like I’m so special.
You make me feel like I matter.
When you hold the back of my head and you just kiss me.
Or when you tell me you like me,
Or when you just hold me for a minute,
And look at me.
.
I don’t even know what to say to you sometimes.
Because I want to just go on and on about how I feel, but I don’t want to scare you.
But the truth is that I have so many feelings towards you.
My heart beats faster around you.
I’ve often wanted to show you that,
Tell you to rest your ear on my chest and just listen to how loud and fast my heart is beating.
Then tell you to kiss me,
And listen again.
.
You would notice the change,
It’s dramatic.
But I don’t know if you’d really appreciate it in the moments when I think of it.
So I never tell you to.
But try it sometime, if you ever read this.
It’s impressive how much you can alter my body’s natural rhythm.
.
I also want you to know this:
I could spend forever in your arms,
Eternity with my head resting on your chest.
I feel connected to you when I do this.
I feel like nothing can be bad when I’m with you like this.
Nothing can go wrong when we’re so close,
I feel safe.
.
I feel so much for you.
I care about you more than you know.
I have fallen for you so hard, and I’m not sure you have any idea of the severity.
.
I hope you’re right about how long we’ll be together.
I hope you choose you want that.
I hope we can officially start this relationship soon.
I hope your feelings for me don’t go away as you learn more about me.
I hope I can be everything you want and more.
Most of all,
I hope we get more time like this weekend.
Because I don’t even want to sleep tonight without you by my side.
And I’m dreading waking up in the morning without your face being the first thing I see.
And the way we worked as a couple this weekend,
Alone,
Running our own lives together,
Well, we were pretty good at it,
And we’ll only get better.
I hope we get that experience again.
I loved being there with you.
I loved having you by my side.
I was home,
And not because of the place,
Because of you.
.
Oh,
And, darling,
You are a damn good cook :)
I’m sitting here on campus as everyone begins their spring fling partying, and all I’m thinking is that if I didn’t have to work tomorrow I could be going home to see you right now.
I can hear everyone having fun and living it up, and thats great for them.
But I don’t even want to party or drink.
All I want is to be home in your arms where I will feel safe, secure, and happier than I’ll ever feel anywhere else.
In 25 hours I will begin my drive home.
How badly I wish it could be sooner.
.
Baby, you mean the world to me <3
I love our late night conversations.
I love talking to you until 5 am.
I love talking to you in general.
I fall asleep happy when we’ve been talking.
<3
